ashens.com » Review

Lights, Camera, Action Figure Based Pun

Ashens — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 13:30:55 +0000

Time to hover the spotlight of ridicule over some appalling toys again…

That’s your lot. I’m off to get excited because the new episodes of Tech Dump are actually being released this month. Cor!

SuffocationPhone 4

Ashens — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 01:12:58 +0000

I finally got my hands on a fake iPhone 4! Then I took my hands off it and scrubbed and scrubbed them until they bled.

Notes: QQ is apparently a Chinese instant messaging program. The “Facetime” app you see on the Airphone at one point is a video calling thing that doesn’t seem to work properly.

In non-crappy-phone news, my pal Larry has produced a video looking at the infamous Public Information Film “Apaches” which shows you many exciting ways that children can die whilst playing around on farms. It’s dark, bloody, depressing, and they showed it to us at school when I was six years old. You can see Larry’s take on it and the original unedited film if you click your mouse on this bit of text.

What’s the time, Mister Sweaty Monkey?

Ashens — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 22:49:28 +0000

Ever wanted to make your voice sound odd whilst looking at a confusing watch? I do hope so:

And before you e-mail me, look at this – It’s a link to where I got the watch! (And here’s the voice changer. And here’s a photo of a statue of Billy Bluelight.)

iPhone goes forth

Ashens — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 00:53:32 +0000

iPhone 4! First I queued for hours to get one. Then I put together a video as quickly as I could on an extremely hot day. Fun!*

Anyway, here’s a quick look at the new hardware features. And don’t worry – this video has been certified 100% FaceTime free by the League Against Unsettling Software Names.

*This is a lie

There’s no action left in these figures

Ashens — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 20:37:11 +0000

More cheapo figures? You betcha:

My plan is now to incorporate future crap-o-figures into Poundland Specials. (Unless I find a rich vein of particularly amusing ones somewhere.)

Go figure

Ashens — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:45:55 +0000

All children need something to play with. Something to stimulate their imagination. Like brittle plastic figurines with distorted faces.

Many thanks to super-duper Harry Partridge who not only provided the toys and extra review footage, but also let me be unfairly disparaging in the name of comedy. (He sent the toys in a really nice box too. A proper parcel box thing that folds down flat.)

Bank Holiday Special

Ashens — Mon, 31 May 2010 20:45:45 +0000

Someone sent me an iPad. So I reviewed it. Yes.

I took over an hour of footage, which I planned to edit down to about 15 minutes. But in one of my increasingly common moments of madness I decided to make a giant edit containing all the footage that makes sense chronologically. So, here in YouTube-o-Vision (and heavily interlaced due to camcorder problems) I present almost an hour of iPad ramblings in three parts!

In case you’re wondering, I put the iPad on eBay. I thought it would be a good choice as they both have their capitals put back to the second letter. And indeed it was – I sold it for the full retail value within two hours of it going up. The oven I’m getting is a Beko DVC663. Good times.

Well Lar Dee Dah

Ashens — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 22:33:26 +0000

Two firsts today – I review an iPhone app and I actually really like the thing I’m reviewing!

Apologies for the slight distortion in the sound, which is mainly due to my own stupidity.

EDIT-ME-DO: Lots of people have requested an MP3 of ‘Aqful’, presumably as they are mad. If you are so inclined it can be found simply by clicking this text.

Who’re you not gonna call?

Ashens — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 13:52:13 +0000

Time for more Poundland tat. Must be full moon or something.

Blode and the Giant Bee is referenced in the video – check it out here if you’re interested. (Terrifying to think that must be 8 years old or something by now.)

Two new Tech Dump episodes are coming soon. I SWEAR.

There must be an angel playing with my dust

Ashens — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 23:58:45 +0000

Have you always wanted a child’s toy named after the infamously dangerous hallucinogen phencyclidine? Well good news – POP Stations have advanced to the next level and made your dream come true!

If you want to get hold of this Class A tat yourself, I notice there are a couple on American Ebay at the time of writing – Click here to see if any are available.

In other news, we’ve completed two more episodes of Tech Dump which should be online fairly soon. One features stunning animation from Harry Partridge, whilst the other has a man with something stuck to his face. You can’t say we don’t cater for all audiences.