AKA Hausu

1977, Directed by Nobuhiko Obayashi

Now this is what it’s all about – a seventies trailer of such batshit insanity that it makes you feel confused and upset by the end of it.

So what’s happening here? Starting off with some genuinely creepy goings on, it suddenly turns into a jolly teen musical, then with a terrible animated special effect we’re back into creepsville. Then at 1:10 everything goes mental and we’re assaulted with screeching cats, man-eating pianos and goodness only knows what else.

A surreal and almost psychadelic mix of horror and absurdist humour, House assaults the senses with a cavalcade of ropey blue-screen effects and silliness. And excellently it’s just been released on DVD in the UK so you can give yourself a migraine whenever you fancy! Just don’t get it confused with the better known American horror of the same name released in 1986.

Bonus: You really must see these extra clips below. Seriously. I’m not kidding.
Piano Death, Banana Scene, Killer Lampshade.

Favourite bit: The disembodied fingers playing the piano.

IMDB LINK

AKA Lady Karate, Female Fighting Fist in Danger

1974, Directed by Kazuhiko Yamaguchi

Action! Karate! Screaming! Weird pseudo-levitation! An awkward looking sex scene! And possibly the least convincing dummy-falling-off-a-bridge scene in history!

Sister Street Fighter seems like a fairly standard seventies kung-fu flick, with plenty of punches, kicks and weird set-pieces. It’s an obvious off-shoot of the popular Street Fighter movies, and the mighty Sonny Chiba himself even appears in a few scenes to help things along as violently as possible.

This trailer is almost totally incoherent, and apparently the plot of the full movie is pretty much nonsense. It does looks like a whole lot of fun, though, and I think that’s what they were aiming for.

I believe this is the first movie featured on Trailer Club 70 which has been released on blu-ray (on the same disc as its sequel.) Just imagine how bad that falling dummy must look in high definition.

Favourite bit: The guy with his head stuck in the wall right at the start.

IMDB LINK

AKA Earth Defense Force, Phantom 7000

1957, Directed by Ishiro Honda

They’ve come from beyond the stars to steal our women! By sending bubble-headed goons and a Godzilla-type thing.

There’s plenty of missiles, ray guns, floods and mayhem on show in this Japanese sci-fi flick. Which is how it should be, of course. I’m not sure if having the word “Mysterians” shouted by a different voice-over bloke was entirely necessary though.

Pointless Trivia! This movie’s original Japanese title is Chikyû Bôeigun (Lit. Earth Defence Force), the same name given to a series of video games based on a roughly similar premise, but with added giant insects. And early rock band Question Mark and the Mysterians were partially named after this movie.

Favourite bit: “Mogera”, the mole-faced giant robot that appears to be made out of corrugated boxes.

IMDB LINK

1962, Directed by Ishiro Honda

Now this is what it’s all about – two blokes in rubber suits beating the crap out of each other while Tokyo falls down around them.

The King Kong suit looks a bit of an embarrassment, especially next to the rather nifty Godzilla one. Its pectoral muscles are nearly down at its waist! “Bloke from a Fancy Dress Party vs Godzilla” would be more accurate.

As with many such Japanese monster movies, the US version replaces a lot of the original scenes with localised versions. This movie takes it a bit further though – the Japanese original was a satire on commercialism, but the American release removes the humourous elements entirely. This left a much inferior, serious science fiction effort.

If you’re wondering – King Kong wins. (In both versions, despite the persistent false rumour that Godzilla wins in the original Japanese film.)

Favourite bit: “They are natural enemies.” So giant gorillas and mutant lizards are natural enemies? Who carried out the research to discover that?

IMDB LINK

AKA Death and the Green Slime, The Battle of Space Station Gamma

1968, Directed by Kinji Fukasaku

Green Sliiiiiiime! Greeeeeen Sliiiiiiiiiime! Every horror movie should have its own funk-rock soundtrack.

Some sterling model work kicks off this entertaining trailer, before the oddly out of place soundtrack kicks in and we see the rubbish aliens. The titular “Green Slime” don’t appear to be green or comprised of slime, but I suppose “The Brown Lumps” didn’t sound as exciting.

Amazingly, this movie was directed by Kinji Fukasaku, the cult Japanese director who gave us the brilliant Battle Royale. Blimey.

Favourite bit: The singing. OF COURSE.

IMDB LINK

AKA The Attack of the Mushroom People, Fungus of Terror, Curse of the Mushroom People

1963, Directed by Ishirô Honda

Don’t eat the mushrooms. No, really, don’t eat the mushrooms. Look, I’m telling you, don’t eat the bloody mushrooms. What? You ate the mushrooms? And now you’ve turned into a giant mushroom? I don’t know why I bother.

A slice of early Japanese horror, decades before The Ring and The Grudge and all that. I can’t imagine a toothless Hollywood remake being made of this one.

Astonishingly, this film is supposed to be quite good. The crap rubbery monsters seen at the end of the trailer have done nothing to convince me of it’s quality, however.

Favourite bit: I can’t choose between the bizarre caption “Fear of the Ogre of Death”, and the way the voice-over keeps repeating “Matango!” at the end.

IMDB LINK