AKA Avenging Disco Godfather

1979, Directed by J. Robert Wagoner

Everybody got their seventies bingo card ready? Get ready to tick off… Dancing, snogging, unconvincing facial hair, drugs, martial arts and roller skates.

Lacking any real plot hints in the trailer, a bit of research has pieced together a rough synopsis. Apparently the irritating shouty DJ is a retired kung-fu cop and he sets about beating up some drug dealers who get his nephew addicted. There also appears to be quite a lot of dancing.

Clearly the way for the authorities to deal with the trade in illegal substances is to set up kung-fu discos in every neighbourhood. I’m sure the dealers will give up after having the funk beaten out of them a few times after being told to ‘put their weight on it.’

Stubborn celebrity anecdote: Quentin Tarantino paid to see this film, even after the people working at the cinema warned him not to.

Favourite bit: The repeated use of the same sound effect for nearly every punch and kick.

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AKA Lady Karate, Female Fighting Fist in Danger

1974, Directed by Kazuhiko Yamaguchi

Action! Karate! Screaming! Weird pseudo-levitation! An awkward looking sex scene! And possibly the least convincing dummy-falling-off-a-bridge scene in history!

Sister Street Fighter seems like a fairly standard seventies kung-fu flick, with plenty of punches, kicks and weird set-pieces. It’s an obvious off-shoot of the popular Street Fighter movies, and the mighty Sonny Chiba himself even appears in a few scenes to help things along as violently as possible.

This trailer is almost totally incoherent, and apparently the plot of the full movie is pretty much nonsense. It does looks like a whole lot of fun, though, and I think that’s what they were aiming for.

I believe this is the first movie featured on Trailer Club 70 which has been released on blu-ray (on the same disc as its sequel.) Just imagine how bad that falling dummy must look in high definition.

Favourite bit: The guy with his head stuck in the wall right at the start.

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AKA She Devils in Chains, Foxforce, Foxfire, American Beauty Hostages

1976, Directed by Cirio H. Santiago

If you’re going to kidnap a load of Olympic contestants, it’s probably best to check if the group contains a trio of racially diverse super-human killers first. Research, people.

“Killing is their trade!” announces the incessant voice-over guy, but I thought they were professional athletes? Was murder an Olympic event in the seventies?

This trailer could serve as a warning to movie soundtrack producers – No amount of constantly repeated kung fu sound effects can make up for playing elevator music in the background of an action film.

Favourite bit: Where Ebony viciously pummels a fallen man with a large stick, whilst the insipid elevator music plays in the background.

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AKA One-Armed Boxer II, The One Armed Boxer vs. the Flying Guillotine

1975, Directed by Yu Wang

It’s that rarest of things – a movie on this site that I’d actually quite like to watch!

A sequel to popular martial arts flick The One-Armed Boxer, this features possibly the most unrealistic weapon ever – a small be-fanged pair of circular curtains which cuts people’s heads off. And it’s wielded by an astonishingly angry old man with frankly terrifying eyebrows.

The real star of the show is the Indian chap (who is quite obviously someone Chinese wearing make-up) and his zero-budget stretchy arms. Dhalsim from Street Fighter II may have copied this idea, but at least his limbs weren’t quite obviously broom handles shoved up some elongated sleeves.

The actual kung-fu action looks pretty good though, and there seem to be some interesting stunt scenes such as the barefoot balancing on knives.

Favourite bit: It’s a tie between the old bloke jumping through the roof of his house at the start, and Mr. Broom-Handle-Arms.

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1986, Directed by Godfrey Ho

Some impressive kung-fu antics can’t hide the fact that this movie was obviously pieced together from bits of others… I suspect that Ninja Dragon is rated BVD: Best Viewed Drunk. And if you pay more than £1 for a DVD of this film, you’re too drunk. (I found one for 10p. Yes, really.)

This film has everything. Guns! Shooting! Swordplay! People turning into Ninjas! Board meetings! Surprisingly heavy eyeshadow! Nothing that makes any sense!

One of Godfrey Ho’s other cut & paste films, Ninja Terminator, shares a lot of footage with this one. And don’t think we didn’t notice that the logo music at the start is stolen from Star Wars.

Favourite bit: The chap with the moustache somehow keeping a straight face as he makes some silly hand movements and his car is enveloped in smoke.

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AKA The Crippled Master

1979, Directed by Joe Law

What do you do when you find two martial arts experts who are missing a few limbs each? Why, make a movie where they seek revenge for their mutilations, of course!

There’s some excellent and unusual kung fu on display in this one, together with a slightly uncomfortable sounding voice-over. The protagonists seem anything but crippled, leaping about the place and beating the crap out of various bad men.

I don’t understand the segments with the Yoga expert in the box. Perhaps he’s their spiritual adviser or something? That doesn’t explain why they meet him on a really plain-looking studio set.

So… Is this film an uplifting tale of triumph over adversity, or base exploitation of people who have worked hard to overcome physical disabilities? I suppose you’ll have to see the full version to find out, but given that it was made in 1979 it’s unlikely to be the former…

Favourite bit: Right at the end, where the guy with no legs suddenly flies up in the air and teleports for no discernable reason.

IMDB LINK