1977, Directed by Al Adamson

Oh no! Evil Space Moustache Overlord has outlawed sex! Better sing a few songs and dress up as rabbits, then. That’ll sort things out.

This is certainly the only musical-comedy-sci-fi-softcore-porn retelling of Cinderella I’ve ever heard of. Pity it looks so unamusing, although a lot of that may be down to the incredibly boring voice-over bloke.

Sadly “Hollywood’s Newest Discovery” Catharine Erhardt wasn’t discovered very successfully, as she only appeared in one more film and a single episode of LA Law. But she did star in the infamously perverse porno-horror Through the Looking Glass, so that’s something to tell her grandchildren when they’re over 18.

Favourite bit: The haircuts.

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AKA Desert Warrior, Pyro, Vindicator

1985, Directed by Cirio Santiago

Have you seen Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior? If not, ask the people who produced this movie about it. They seem to have studied it fairly closely…

Wheels of Fire looks like a heady mix of Mad Max 2, Mad Max 2, softcore pornography and Mad Max 2. With the addition of the Morlocks from H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine running about on a bridge.

A huge cast of extras and some fairly impressive looking car smashes feature alongside some utterly appalling acting. Has there ever been a post-apocalyptic daytime soap opera? If not, I’ve no idea where they found the cast for this.

Incidentally, what is going on around 1:38? It looks like the beginnings of a very odd sex scene indeed.

Favourite bit: The hero apparently jumping off a twenty-foot-high tower and landing safely by slightly bending his knees.

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1987, Directed by Ken Dixon

Hmmm… Slaves from beyond infinity all look like models, wear only bikinis and have naturally occurring make-up? So that’s why Buzz Lightyear was always talking about going there.

This space-fantasy-meets-ultra-softcore-porno seems to have its tongue firmly planted in its cheek, which is a very good thing indeed. Especially when you have robots with shoulderpads.

The plot is based around The Most Dangerous Game so we can safely assume the crossbow-wielding villain is hunting the escaped slaves for sport. Most ungentlemanly. Let’s hope the hairspray-addicted heroines triumph in the end! You know, like they inevitably will.

Bizarre trailer editing decision: Watch the alien hunchback being killed by a magic exploding mace, then immediately cut to it alive and being shot in the shoulder.

Favourite bit: “Have you got a knife?” “Only this!” “…It’ll have to do.”

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AKA Earth Defense Force, Phantom 7000

1957, Directed by Ishiro Honda

They’ve come from beyond the stars to steal our women! By sending bubble-headed goons and a Godzilla-type thing.

There’s plenty of missiles, ray guns, floods and mayhem on show in this Japanese sci-fi flick. Which is how it should be, of course. I’m not sure if having the word “Mysterians” shouted by a different voice-over bloke was entirely necessary though.

Pointless Trivia! This movie’s original Japanese title is Chikyû Bôeigun (Lit. Earth Defence Force), the same name given to a series of video games based on a roughly similar premise, but with added giant insects. And early rock band Question Mark and the Mysterians were partially named after this movie.

Favourite bit: “Mogera”, the mole-faced giant robot that appears to be made out of corrugated boxes.

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1965, Directed by Gordon Flemyng

“Men of steel”? They’re obviously not men, are they? Tch.

A strange off-shoot and ‘re-imagining’ of the terrifyingly long-running TV series Doctor Who, this was made to cash in on the ‘Dalekmania’ of the time. Which was a bit like Beatlemania, only it involved less music and more extermination and steam.

The TV Doctor character was ditched for a human inventor played by Peter Cushing, apparently as he was more well known to the American market. Veteran trumpeter and all-round nice guy Roy Castle appears as… well… himself, and a couple of kids tag along too to add a human element. The Daleks themselves seem to come in every imaginable colour and flavour, and seemingly explode at the drop of a hat.

This did well enough to spawn a sequel (Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.) where the steam-shooting pepperpots lay waste to a future Earth, although from what I remember their vision of London in 2150 was exactly like London actually was in 1950.

Favourite bit: At the start when Peter Cushing is speaking and the camera cuts to Roy Castle looking shifty, despite the way he’s obviously looking shocked and apologetic immediately before. And after.

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AKA Project Genocide, War of the Aliens, Alien Encounter

1977, Directed by Ed Hunt

Not just one invasion, but several! At least you get your money’s worth.

So… the Forces from the Black Void have fairly simple-looking flying saucers and astonishingly appalling dress sense. But at least they can “communicate with time”, whatever that means.

This was released about six months after Star Wars – It’s not hard to see why Starship Invasions disappeared in the shadow of it. Those silver ‘robots’ would have been an embarrassment at a school play.

Apparently Christopher Lee plays the villain in this. Pity they didn’t show him in the trailer (unless that’s his eyes 15 seconds in).

Favourite bit: The robot falling down the shaft.

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AKA Death and the Green Slime, The Battle of Space Station Gamma

1968, Directed by Kinji Fukasaku

Green Sliiiiiiime! Greeeeeen Sliiiiiiiiiime! Every horror movie should have its own funk-rock soundtrack.

Some sterling model work kicks off this entertaining trailer, before the oddly out of place soundtrack kicks in and we see the rubbish aliens. The titular “Green Slime” don’t appear to be green or comprised of slime, but I suppose “The Brown Lumps” didn’t sound as exciting.

Amazingly, this movie was directed by Kinji Fukasaku, the cult Japanese director who gave us the brilliant Battle Royale. Blimey.

Favourite bit: The singing. OF COURSE.

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AKA Six Inches Tall, The Fantastic Puppet People

1958, Directed by Bert I. Gordon

A mad scientist makes up for his lack of a loving relationship by making people very small, then killing them. He’d be better off just going to a nightclub or something. I know the drinks are expensive but he’d be saving a fortune on electricity for his bizarre gadgets.

I imagine the special effects were quite good for the time this movie was released. Not sure how they’d stand up to being on a huge screen rather than a tiny box on the internet, though.

Favourite bit: The shrieking woman terrified by a large telephone.

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1968, Directed by Nicholas Webster

This zero budget science-nonsense looks even worse than recent Mars movies Red Planet and Mission to Mars, and that’s saying something.

As far as I can ascertain: The guy who played Kolchak the Night Stalker flies to a giant mouldy tennis ball in a Fairy Liquid bottle, and finds a much smaller mouldy tennis ball which contains an alien speaker system. And at some point he has sex on a beach. It’s hard to believe that 2001: A Space Odyssey was released in the same year.

Favourite bit: The design of the astronaut’s helmets which are open at the bottom. I’m no expert, but I strongly believe that would be something of a health hazard on the surface of Mars.

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AKA Return of the Aliens: The Deadly Spawn, The Alien’s Deadly Spawn

1983, Directed by Douglas McKeown

“The film real science fiction fans have been waiting for!” That’s what we call a lie.

The Deadly Spawn was a fairly dire attempt to cash-in on the success of Alien if the voice-over and the alternate titles are to be believed. You certainly wouldn’t ascertain that fact from the footage.

There are a couple of nice set pieces in the trailer – the ‘inside the monster’s head’ camera angle, and the silly dismembered arm joke. But despite all the rubber monsters and blood, the most shocking aspect of this movie appears to be the acting.

Favourite bit: The old lady being bitten on the ankle by a killer space tadpole.

IMDB LINK